Shana's Soaps

Passions June 25-29

The week begins with Jessica trapped in her coffin with the flashlight dying. She knows the end will soon be upon her. Dirt falls through cracks in the coffin. She talks to her unborn baby, unable to believe that Spike buried them alive.

Just as the flashlight goes out, the bright light of heaven illuminates the coffin. Heaven is always interfering with people who are buried alive. Back in the beginning, Sheridan faked her death a la Juliet but ended up suffocating. She was brought back to life by her mother, I believe, who later turned out not to be dead at all, but I digress. Jessica sees her dead mother Grace in the light. Grace tells Jessica she is there to take her home.

Meanwhile, Kay is still bargaining with the demon elf. Tabitha tries to talk her out of making a deal with him, but Kay doesn’t listen. All the demon elf needs is a drop of her blood and he will help her find Jessica. Kay agrees and pricking her finger, drips a small amount of blood onto a fire the demon elf has lit.

Almost immediately, green demons fly out of the fire. The demon elf tells his minions to go forth and wreak havoc.

From behind a tree, Tabitha bemoans the fact that pain and heartache will descend on Harmony. Pain and havoc are often ravaging Harmony; the residents wouldn’t know what to do without it.

The demons seek out Harmony’s angriest residents. At the moment they are: Sheridan, who for some unknown reason wants to kill Theresa. I think the blackmailer may have given her the idea, they were arguing about it prior to the possession. Jared, who wants to kill Ethan for sleeping with Theresa; Fox, who wants to kill Miguel because he is interfering with his love for Kay and Gwen who also wants to kill Theresa for breaking up her marriage with Ethan, even though it was Gwen who left and she would be much better off with someone else.

The demon elf is sure that he will bring misery and mayhem to Harmony and waits to tell Kay where Jessica is to ensure that she is dead. Somehow her death is powering the demons.

Jessica is found and she does appear to be dead. Her ghost is standing around watching the commotion holding her baby. Tabitha suggests that Kay begin to pray for her sister because she knows it is Jessica’s death that is fueling the demons.

Kay begins the praying and the other Harmony residents join is. Jessica’s spirit is compelled back to its earthly body, though she still has no pulse and isn’t breathing.
Thankfully, Dr. Russell shows up and soon, everything is right again. Jessica is alive!
Spike goes to his wife and wonders what happened, hoping she doesn’t remember that he is the one who buried her. No such luck. Jessica very clearly remembers that her husband buried her alive. She smacks him across the face and tells Sam to take him into custody.
Sam is more than happy to arrest Spike and takes him down to the station. From behind a tree, the demon elf is amazed by Spike’s anger and decides to harness it to power his demons now that Jessica is alive.

Kay returns to Tabitha’s excited by the events, not caring that she nearly unleashed demons on the citizens of Harmony. She plans to use her newfound magic to cure Fox, break up with him and be with Miguel forever.

However, Kay has problems trying to magic herself some breakfast. But no matter, she’s sure to do better of Fox. Kay leaves Tabitha’s and heads over to the Crane Mansion (It’s sort of like a hotel over there; I think at least half of Harmony lives there, lets make a list, shall we: Fox, Ethan, Theresa, Gwen, Rebecca, Ivy, Julian and Jared all live in the Crane Mansion.)

Kay is unsuccessful in casting a spell on Fox. All she manages to do is knock them both unconscious and provide food for the demons spawned from her blood. After coming to, Kay leaves Fox to go find Miguel. Not long afterward, the demons possess Fox, making him intent to kill Miguel.

Back at Tabitha’s, Kay uses her magic on Miguel. For some reason she freezes him and is very excited that she could do that. Then, she magics him into a Gladiator outfit and has him chase her around the room.

Realizing that is silly and she probably shouldn’t mess around with Miguel like that, she zaps him back to normal. Miguel is mildly confused, but doesn’t think of it for too long as Kay is soon begging him to make love to her.

Taking her into his arms, Miguel promises her passion. But it is not to be for Fox has arrived and he is all about fulfilling his mission of killing Miguel.

Tabitha, meanwhile, is trying to fortify her house against the demons. Apparently they are also a threat to her and Endora even though they’re not mortal. Tabitha attempts to teach Endora ways to protect herself and conjures a crow. When it’s Endora’s turn to try, she turns the crow into a parrot.

Tabitha begins to come to the realization that her daughter may in fact be a good witch. And if that’s the case, she needs to take her somewhere where she can be helped.
Putting the life of her daughter first, Tabitha zaps herself and her daughter to a school for good witches.

Upon their arrival there is much screaming and mayhem. Tabitha explains her situation, how her daughter might be good and she can’t teach her how to be a good witch. The teachers tell Tabitha that she would have to get permission from Esmeralda before Endora could be admitted.

Esmeralda shows up looking very much like Glenda the Good Witch. The witch teachers want to know why there is such bad blood between Esmeralda and Tabitha. The story of their friendship is told through a series of flashbacks to what is apparently “Wicked”.
As corny as this is, I must admit that the songs are kind of catchy and they did a good job matching the voices. However, what I do not understand is why young Tabby is green.
Anyway, through singing, bridges are built and Esmeralda agrees to accept Endora into the school. Tabitha leaves her daughter at the school for good witches.

In the Russell’s kitchen, Theresa and Ethan declare their love for each other. Theresa claims that she loves Ethan more than her own life. The blackmailer gets a good laugh out of this and tells Theresa her love for Ethan will indeed cost her her life.
Meanwhile at the Crane Mansion, Gwen is talking to Jared and tells him that Theresa has run off to the Russell’s to be with Ethan. She doesn’t seem overly upset or involved and tells her mother that she doesn’t want Ethan back. I just think she wants to make Theresa miserable and there’s nothing wrong with that really.

So Jared, in the interest of protecting his wife, heads over to the Russell’s and arrives just in time to see Theresa and Ethan kissing. Or so you think.

What Jared sees is Ethan bothering Theresa so, in defense of his wife’s freshly windexed honor, he punches Ethan and warns him to stay away from his wife.
Jared and Theresa return to the mansion where they discuss his doubts and Theresa reassures him that she married him for love and even wants to have his baby. They make love. Below them, Gwen and Ethan hear their impassioned cries.

Gwen wants to have a heart to heart with Ethan, discuss their relationship and how she and her mother were the ones back in 2000 who told the tabloids that Ethan wasn’t really a Crane, that he was in fact the son of Ivy Winthrop and Sam Bennett. But Ethan cuts her off; he has too much to deal with, what with Theresa being married to Jared and all.

After making love to her husband, Theresa leaves the mansion to meet Ethan in the pool house. Gwen follows and spies on them through the window. She becomes possessed by a demon and decides that she wants to kill Theresa.

Upstairs asleep in bed, sated from the lovemaking, Jared becomes possessed and decides that he must kill Ethan.

The possessions don’t last long however. As soon as Jessica is resuscitated, the demons leave their hosts. Neither Gwen nor Jared knows what’s going on.
In the pool house, and seriously, this is just STUPID. There are no words for monumental stupidity of this plot line, but it’s Passions. Ethan proposes to Theresa, regardless of the fact that she is currently married to and sleeping with Jared. And then, after proposing and accepting her yes, Ethan gets angry when THERSA WON’T TELL JARED OF THEIR UPCOMING MARRIAGE. Theresa quickly soothes him, reminding Ethan of the blackmailer.

Honestly, it’s DUMB. Theresa has told Ethan that she has to stay with Jared because the blackmailer is going to kill her brothers. She told him she has to have Jared’s baby to satisfy the blackmailer and Ethan is just too selfish or dense to get it. (Theresa is also an idiot for going along.)

At the Cottage, Sheridan and the blackmailer discuss some things. Like killing Theresa in exchange for Luis. Now, whey Sheridan would want to kill Theresa is beyond me. It is beyond me that she agrees to do it when the demon takes over for that brief moment when Jessica is dead.

The blackmailer thinks that they have convinced Sheridan to kill Theresa, but alas, it is not to be for when the demon leaves Sheridan, she no longer wants to do it. Sheridan and the blackmailer scuffle and Sheridan removes the mask. She recognizes them instantly. The blackmailer seems a bit panicked but is still willing to make a deal; they will bring Pretty back, ensuring that Luis will leave Fancy but Sheridan has to kill Theresa.

At some point during the day, Whitney went to visit Theresa at the Crane Mansion and left Miles with Eve. She returns to the Russell house to find that her son is gone. Whitney demands Eve tell her where Miles is.

Eve confesses to having left Miles with Chad because Chad is his father. Whitney panics and immediately calls Sam Bennett, fearing that her son is kidnapped.

Will Whitney get her son back? Will Sheridan or Gwen hopefully kill Theresa? Will Pretty come back and break up Fancy and Luis?

Passions June 18-22

Passions begins this week with Miguel standing on Tabitha’s porch wearing nothing but a pair of pajama bottoms and holding Maria. He is putting her to bed, as Kay is busy in the attic playing with magic. Tabitha is asleep on a dusty looking fainting couch but wakes up when Kay’s misused magic causes the house to shake and lightning bolts to crackle from the sky.
Miguel is afraid and does is best to soothe an equally agitated Maria. What is going on he wonders? The Bennett’s house seems fine. It can’t be an Earth Quake, can it?
Tabitha convinces Kay to stop playing around with the magic, but Kay won’t give up until she has figured out a spell to heal Fox and bring her and Miguel together.
Flipping through the book of spells, she finds one she thinks might work and does a semi-provocative dance with a silk scarf. She chants something about removing barriers in a breathy voice.
Miguel, who has made it into the house and is being watched by Kay and Tabitha through the Magic Mirror, is forced to grab a throw pillow from the sofa and cover himself as his pants have mysteriously disappeared into thin air. Kay panics for a moment and hyperactively convinces Tabitha to help her.
Tabitha, who is tired, says her magic won’t work because she is drained. She walks around drunkenly, delicately placing her wrist against her forehead in a swooning motion. Using what little strength she has left, she zaps Miguel’s bottoms back on. Miguel promptly shakes his head in confusion and wonders what exactly is going on.
Again, Tabitha tries to convince Kay that she should give up on the magic, she hasn’t had enough training in the ways to control it, but again Kay doesn’t listen. She tries another spell that separates Miguel’s legs from his torso. The legs begin to wander aimlessly and cheekily around the living room. The torso, which is suspended in mid air, tries to get the legs to come back. The legs promptly sit in a chair and ignore him.
Tabitha once again comes to the rescue and magically puts Miguel together again. He believes he’s dreaming even though he feels awake and Kay starts to worry about what will happen if he remembers that this is going on.
Ok, a little side note here, Miguel should know about the magic. For rather lengthy amounts of time during the early years of this show, Charity was either possessed or a Zombie and he KNEW she was in such a condition. One time, her house was sucked down into Hell and he had to go and rescue her. He seems to have repressed this knowledge. When Kay became pregnant with Maria, the only reason Miguel was with her was because she used some Essence of Charity to make him think he was with his Soul Mate instead of the girl next door Kay. Now that Charity has taken off for parts unknown does Miguel realize his deep and burning love for Kay?
Anyway, back to the show.
Kay wakes Tabitha and convinces her to erase the recent events from Miguel’s mind. Tabitha agrees but warns again that her power is waning. She freezes Miguel and begins the process. It is around this time that Kay receives a phone call alerting her that Jessica is missing and her friends can’t find her. They know its Spike.
And it is Spike. During the time that I was not watching the show or recapping, Spike kidnapped Jessica because the dead John’s were found and could be traced back to him. He is in the process of burying her alive and acting like a total nut job. Which is too back because good ol’ Herbert Lester is actually sort of sexy. Especially in his scenes with Crazy Sheridan. But I digress.
Kay panics and when Tabitha leaves the room to try and locate Jessica via the Magic Bowl, she conjures a demon elf from the spell book.
Demon Elf has taken over the kitchen and sits with some bread and cheese. He also speaks in riddle and has done something to Tabitha in the past. He taunts her. Tabitha cautions Kay against making a deal with him, but Kay is desperate so she makes a deal with the demon to find her sister.

Meanwhile, Noah and Paloma are the most boring couple on earth. They’re the personification of beige. They bring some take out to the Bennett house where they meet up with Simone. They’re expecting Jessica to join them as well and when she doesn’t, they suspect that Spike is up to no good again.
Together, the group heads out to check the usual haunts; the wharf, the sleazy hotel, and see no sign of Jessica. They wonder if Spike has done something worse to her than pimping her out. They debate whether or not they want to call her father to get the police involved in the search.
They are too worried not to call the Chief, so they give Sam a call. Sam promptly goes out and picks up Spike, brining him back to the station. But he’s not talking. He’s too pretty go to jail.
Jessica is buried alive. Spike was kind enough to give her a flashlight.

Whitney has moved back in with her parents. She worries that Miles misses his dad, but what kind of influence would a sexually confused adulterer be as a father? TC is back on the show and looking thinner I might add. TC, worried for his daughter, calls Theresa to come and talk to Whitney.
Theresa, who has just finished making love to Jared, says that she will be right over. And I would just like to say that Theresa has been having quite the active sex life lately. With Ethan, with Jared. She’s quite active. Where does she find the time to hang out with her kids? Or run Crane industries?
Theresa arrives at the Russell’s. She and Whitney discuss their complex and failed relationships. Whitney is wearing a very cute blue and white polka dot top. Whitney tells Theresa she should tell Ethan the truth about Little Ethan and Theresa says that Whitney needs to let Chad be there for his son.

Ethan has a busy night as he goes from hanging out with Chad at the wharf and discussing his latent homosexuality to going home when Chad receives a message from Whitney. Chad gets a message as well. His heart warms as he thinks that Whitney wants to get back together with him. Chad is delusional and loves men.
Ethan feels like he is being followed when the leave the docks and head for the Russell’s and he is. Red shoes track his every move.
At the Russell’s, Whitney tells Chad of her decision to let him be a part of Mile’s life.
In the kitchen of the Russell’s home, Theresa and Ethan discuss their relationship, as they are wont to do. Ethan says that just for tonight he wants to forget about Jared and the blackmailer.
He takes Theresa into his arms just as Gwen walks in and she is angry. I’m glad Gwen is back on the show. Maybe she’ll get another love interest because she is WAY too good for Ethan.
Gwen begins to deride Theresa for her lack of ability in getting Ethan to marry her and the stupidity she exhibited when marrying Jared Casey. Maybe Gwen will go after the heart broken Jared. Jared is hot. He could use the love of a good woman.

Fancy and Sheridan are still trying to track down the blackmailer. For some unknown reason, Sheridan is wearing a white sleeveless dress with a big bow in the back and some heels. Like she is going to a dinner party rather than skulking around the halls of the hospital trying to track down the therapist of the blackmailer.
His name is Mr. Smith and little do they know the blackmailer has already found him. First, they try his office only to find it empty. Then, they get the idea that he might be in the lab and run quickly down there but I think Sheridan and the heels may be holding them back a bit. Fancy is wearing a sensible outfit consisting of jeans, a shirt and some running shoes. Cute and functional.
When the girls arrive at the lab, they open the door only to discover they are too late; the blackmailer has killed the therapist with a letter opener to the base of the neck.

Ivy’s feeling a big melancholy this evening and decides to go out for some drinks at the Blue Note. She ends up hooking up with some other lonely divorcees who talk about how lonely they are and have never found love after they left their husbands.
Ivy’s thoughts begin to drift to Julian and how she used to be the one who would dress as Little Bo Peep for him. Finishing her drink, she decides to go and pay him a visit.
Julian is surprised to see Ivy. They begin to reminisce over old times and what fun they had together. One thing leads to another and he has her bent backwards on top of the desk.
It is at that moment that Eve walks in. It seems that Valerie has come to her with news of their son. But she doesn’t know if she wants to tell Julian. This is the second time she’s caught him with Ivy.

Will Eve and Julian get closer to finding their son? Will Sheridan and Fancy track down the blackmailer in time to save Luis? Will Theresa tell Ethan the truth about their son? And what deal did Kay make with the Demon Elf?

Passions May 7-11

This week begins with Paul Revere Preschool teacher, Miss Lucy wailing about Tina missing. She’s crawling on her hands and knees, using a voice that would shatter glass. Tina, of course, is not in the room. She has been picked up by animal control.

Tina’s mother shows up while Tina is still missing and threatens to call the police on Tabitha if her daughter isn’t returned to her. Miss Lucy has no idea where she is or how Tina could leave. She gets all flustered. The wailing from these women is ungodly.

Tabitha has located the Animal Control truck and lifts the tarp to find cages full of cats. How is she going to figure out which one is Tina? She has a trick up her sleeve. Saying a little incantation, she hears Tina speak.

Taking her back inside the school, Tabitha pulls Endora out and has Tina transformed back into a human. Everyone is relieved.

Julian, fearing that he will never get Eve back, has cooked up some scheme with Valerie involving the paternity and location of the son he and Eve share. Valerie is sitting in Julian’s office when he makes the phone call to Eve telling her that Valerie has news but doesn’t want to share it over the phone.

He convinces her that they need to meet in her office. He’ll be right over.  Julian arrives first and sees the flowers he had sent to Eve crumpled in the trash. He’s hurt, but tries to hide it.  Things will work out for him, they always seem to.

Valerie shows up and says that she has found their son. After running their DNA, a match came back. Is the son a criminal? How does Valerie have his DNA? Is there a suspected son? I’m confused by that. In any event, Eve is overcome with joy and forgetting herself, jumps into Julian’s arms.

His smile speaks of further schemes.

Around this same time, Spike is crouching in a hallway photographing Jessica and her posse moving the body of the dead john. Paloma agreed to go along with it when Simone pointed out that this one could be linked to the other three bodies they hid and they would take away her badge if they found out about those.

Jessica says that Paloma wouldn’t’ want her to have her baby in jail and loose the child to Spike. No, the much better idea is to wrap a dead guy up in a sheet and stuff him in your trunk. When faced with that option, why would you choose anything else?

Luis and Miguel are still in the prison showers. They have to figure out a way to get Sheridan a towel and clean jump suit without drawing attention to her breasts. This is seriously dumb. They have towels and jumpsuits lying around with abandon. Luis sends Miguel off to ask for a clean towel to distract the guard.

Sheridan and Luis grab what they need and duck into the hall. How is that possible? They’re in prison. On death row. How can they just flit about the showers and the hallways?

Dry and dressed, Sheridan and Luis make their way back to where they belong. Miguel sees that they are gone, mission accomplished and decides that his towel is fine. The guard seems ok with this, but then suddenly, Miguel is alone.

Two very large, bald men arrive and ask Miguel his name. He is who they are looking for and they unceremoniously begin to beat him. They kick him, they pummel him, they throw him into a rack of towels and bang his head off the floor.

Kay is sitting at the kitchen table with a large cup of coffee. She wants to talk to Fox. She has something she needs to say to him. Fox knows what it is. But he can’t let her say it. If she says, it will be true and then he will have to live with it I guess?

Kay begins to tell him of her love for Miguel when Fox begins to fake illness again. He simply must go lie down. He’s dying you know.

Kay knows, but she still needs to talk to him. About this time, as Fox is starting to hobble from the room, Kay starts to get a bad feeling. Maybe a feeling like her head is slammed into the bathroom door?

She soon finds out what this bad feeling is. It’s Pilar. Miguel has been beaten up in prison. Kay is so attached to him psychically she can feel his pain. She must go to him and heads out to the car. Fox will go too. Even though he is “dying”. He can’t let Kay be alone with Miguel.

Kay, Pilar, Fox and Julian arrive at the prison. I don’t know why Julian is at the prison. But he is. He and Fox lurk outside the infirmary door and listen to Miguel and Kay proclaim their love for each other.

It is about this time that Julian realizes that feigning sickness will not be enough for Fox to hold on to the woman he loves. The only option he has is to kill Miguel. Thus, a plan is hatched.

Sheridan has returned to her cottage, somehow getting smuggled out of the prison much the way she was smuggled into the prison. She is ripping her facial hair off and makes a call to Spike, demanding he get over there.

Even though she showered only moments before and for nearly an hour, Sheridan must bathe again. Probably to get the lice shampoo off. Anyway, she gets into the shower.
It is while she is in the shower, flashing back to her shower with Luis only minutes earlier that Spike arrives. He thinks that Sheridan wants him for a sexual mission and waits for her outside the shower curtain.

Turning the water off, Sheridan steps out into her steamy bathroom and is grabbed by Spike who begins to kiss her. Sheridan pulls back and slaps him, threatening to kill him if he ever does that again.

They fight for a while and then Sheridan tells him of her plan to bust Luis out of the hoosegow but before Spike agrees to the plan, two things happen. 1). He reveals to Sheridan that Fancy has gone undercover as a guard, which really pisses Sheridan off and sends her on a mission to ferret out her niece and 2) he gets a call from Julian who wants to meet him at the prison. He’s got a job.

So Spike runs out before he and Sheridan finalize any plans for Luis’s great escape.

At the prison, Fancy confronts Luis about his relationship with his new cellmate. The cellmate, not Sheridan, is actually pretty cool and should totally be a regular as he was amusing. His name is Max and he violently protests the homosexual love Fancy says Luis and he feel for each other. In fact, Max just got there this morning.

Fancy doesn’t believe Luis and is dismayed by his sudden love for men. She walks away, Luis is heart broken because he doesn’t love men. It is only as Fancy is walking away that he realizes she must have seen him kissing Sheridan. He has to get her back!
Luis hatches the plan to beat up Max. Fancy will return to break it up, and he’ll get to talk to her again.

Tragically, this isn’t how it happens. Other guards arrive and think that Luis is really abusing poor Max. This earns Luis a trip to Solitary. Fancy finds out this is where he was sent and goes to visit him.

They discuss the whole Sheridan incident and Fancy is thrilled that he is not gay and still loves her. She begs him to make love to her. Luis doesn’t want to. This isn’t how he wanted their first time together to be. There should be flowers and soft music.

Fancy has almost convinced him when the guards can be heard outside. Sheridan has just arrived at the prison and has convinced the warden that Fancy is disgusting herself as a prison guard and must be found. So the guards were sent looking for her.

Luis hatches the plan that in order to protect Fancy, he just pretends to attack her. So he does, the guards rush in to her rescue and begin to beat on Luis quite violently.

In her concern, Fancy almost blows her cover. After the guards are finished roughing him up, she convinces them to let her take him to the infirmary. The warden agrees because the nuns are angry with him.

In the infirmary Sheridan and Fancy have a confrontation, Sheridan vowing that Luis will find his love for her.

Theresa and Jared have made love. Theresa is hungry and wants toast. She comes into the kitchen and discovers a drunk Ethan. He’s been having vodka shots for breakfast. He demands that she leave Jared. He can’t loose her to Jared.

This goes back and forth for a bit, and then Ethan drags her to this room Alistair had built, a room Ethan swears the Peeper knows nothing about. In this room, Ethan seduces her into making love to him. For a moment, Theresa is blissfully happy.

The Peeper, meanwhile, doesn’t know where Theresa is and suspects that she and Ethan are together. They vow to bring about much pain. To set this chain of events in motion, the Peeper goes to visit Little Ethan and hints that Ethan is his father.

Jared, meanwhile, is still in bed awaiting the return of his wife. It is taking her hours to make toast. Perhaps he dozed off for a bit. Little Ethan comes in to visit him and tells him of the Peeper, saying it was a clown.

Jared think he’s imagining this, but is touched when Little Ethan says that he’s glad Jared is one of his fathers. They go for a ride on Jared’s wheel chair.

Theresa finally manages to leave Ethan and return to her husband. Jared tells her of the “clown” little Ethan saw and she freaks, dropping a glass. The Peeper has talked to her son.

Theresa excuses herself saying she has to make a conference call and goes to the study where the Peeper is waiting for her. Theresa says she will do whatever the peeper wants, just stay away from her son.

Rebecca has called her daughter and Ethan’s wife, Gwen. Gwen is tied to a bed and able to communicate with a speakerphone. She seems to be in a good amount of pain. Rebecca senses that something is wrong and tries to get Ethan to call her.

After much complaining, Ethan agrees to call. Gwen tries to get him to say the only reason he called was because her mother wanted him to.

Why is Gwen tied to a bed? Will Chad give in to Vincent? Will Paloma, Jessica and Simone hide the body?

Passions April 30-May 4

This week begins with Spike paying a visit to Sheridan’s cottage. Without any preliminaries, she demands to know if he has the information she wanted.

Spike flirts sleazily with her and says they should really get to know each other better. Throwing a drink in his face, Sheridan pretty much tells him he’s gross and that they need to stick to the business at hand. Did he get the information or not?

“I’m not breaking Luis out of jail,” Spike says.

“I’m not asking you to,” Sheridan responds. “Now are you going to help me or not?”

Meanwhile, Fancy is wearing a scruffy brown wig that sort of looks as though a possum is nesting on her head, thick black frame glasses and more flannel than Nirvana.

This is her disguise for the interview at the prison. She is now calling herself Fay Kent.
At the interview, the guard asks if he knows her, and Fancy panics, sure that he can see through her disguise and knows that she is Fancy Crane.

In the cellblock, things get worse for Luis. After having been beaten up by his last cellmate, the guard who arranged it shows up and asks Luis if he has had a shower.

Answer me this; wouldn’t the guard know if Luis had had a shower or not? I mean, the guy is in prison. It’s not like he can just walk down the hall with an Egyptian cotton towel and some lavender soap to get cleaned up with the mood hits.

Luis says that he has not had a shower and that he’s fine, thanks. The guard decides that Luis should shower and turns a fire hose on him. I don’t know where he got a fire hose. It seems that it should be against policy to use the fire system to torment the prisoners, but who knows. It’s Harmony. The average IQ is 10.

The cell and Luis are soaked. The guard takes his mattress and clothes then tells Luis to clean up. Luis despairs angrily. He begins to right his cell when another guard shows up. His face is hidden by the prison bars and he seems to glow with a peaceful light.

He gives Luis a dry mattress. Luis wonders why he’s being so nice and where he’s come from. The guard responds that he was sent by his father.

Luis tells the guard that he wants nothing to do with Martin Fitzgerald. Not that father, silly. You’re Heavenly Father!

Turns out this guard is an angel in form of Luis’s dead brother Antonio. He has been sent to watch out for Luis.

Not long after Antonio disappears, the guard shows up and is amazed by the dryness of Luis’s cell and mattress. But no matter, he has a new cellmate for Luis.

The cellmate is put in the cell and proceeds to give Luis a deep and passionate kiss.

While Luis is getting molested and Miguel is trying to avoid the veiled advances of Steve, Paloma and Noah are comforting Pilar. Pilar assures them that she is fine; they should go out and not wallow in the misery.

Paloma and Noah leave, heading for the docks. Pilar breaks down in tears and lights two candles for her sons, much as she lit candles for Martin and Antonio when they were missing. In her grief, Antonio’s angel appears to her.

On the docks, Paloma mopes. Noah tells her a story about a gambler who was railroaded. Everything turned out OK for him in the end. Paloma thinks that Noah is making this up and gets sad again even though she appreciates the attempt.

I think Noah is telling a little bit of the truth. He was a gambler. He was gone for a long time and never made it home for family functions.

Elsewhere on the docks, Simone mourns her loss of Rhea. I don’t know what happened to her, the last time I watched the show, she was leading the herd of lesbians against Alistair in Rome. She asks God what her purpose is to be and if she will ever find love again.

It is about this time that Jessica walks up, distraught. She tells Simone about her pregnancy and how Spike wants to sell the baby.

Simone says this cannot happen and thinks that God has given her a purpose.

Over at the Crane Mansion, Theresa is calling it off with Ethan. She tells him that her brothers are more important than her happiness or her love for Ethan and she must do what the blackmailer wants, she must have Jared’s baby.

Ethan begs her not to do this. He can’t stand the thought of it. But Theresa will have none of this. Saying she’ll always love him, Theresa leaves him.

At the hospital, Julian and Eve run into each other in the hallway. They discuss their relationship and their son. You can see they still care about each other.

Julian apologizes for the way things went, and what he did to her and Eve says that she is sorry too.

She admits to not loving TC, her husband who she never left, and was trying to put her family back together. Besides, she couldn’t leave TC after his stroke. He needed someone to love and care for him.

Julian says he can’t wait to meet their child, that Valerie thinks she has located their son. Eve tells him that part of her doesn’t want their boy to be found because as long as he is still out there, they have a reason to be together.

A patient calls Eve away and cuts the conversation short.

Jared has been released from the hospital and comes home to an enthusiastic Theresa who tells him that she is so glad that he’s home and that she has realized she wants to start a family. Right now. This moment. On the living room floor. Let the making out begin!

In the red-light district, a prostitute with really bad lipstick services a John. There is kneeling, there is screaming and then she is dead.

Ivy is at the police station listening to Sam tell Ethan how he should never give up on his love for Theresa. That the worst thing he ever did was to give up on Ivy and their love. He let her status as a Winthrop influence him when he should have fought.

Ethan reminds Sam of the blackmailers demands. Sam tells Ethan to try the appeal and not to loose.

After Ethan leaves, Ivy comes out of hiding and talks to Sam. She apologizes for how things happened between them and how she is sorry she paid David to pretend to be Grace’s husband to lure her away. (Grace left her family to follow David and see if they were actually married and was later killed when her bus blew up). Ivy thinks living in the Crane Mansion turned her evil. Apologizing again she leaves.

The police station is very busy as Eve shows up next apparently to shoot the breeze. There are no people dying at Harmony General apparently as Eve is the only doctor in the whole town and if someone is sick or injured, she’s it. Anyway.

The two of them talk about their relationships with Ivy and Julian and reminisce about the good times. They both miss their former lovers and don’t know why they can’t have them back in their lives.

It is around this time that Sam learns of the murdered prostitute. Eve is aghast that such a thing could happen. Outside, the Peeper draws circles on the window around Eve’s head. Who knows what this means.

After leaving the police station, Ivy heads for the Crane Mansion where she meets up with Julian. Slapping him, she tells him how he has ruined her life.

It turns out that Fancy was not recognized by the guard, that it was a mistake. She got the job! They take her to fill out paper work. She can hardly wait; Luis is only a breath away.
Meanwhile, Luis is making out with his new cellmate.

“What the hell are you doing?” Luis asks, pushing way his celly. “I don’t go that way”
“Luis, it’s me!” Sheridan says.

What the hell. Sheridan explains how she disguised herself because she just couldn’t be without him. That she loves him! He has to love her!

Luis is baffled, frustrated and probably somewhat happy even though I want him to dump her on her ass. Sheridan begs him to make love to her all night long.

At the police station, despite the murder that just happened, Eve and Sam are still talking about their ex’s and how they should forgive them. Perhaps their current/late spouses are not the love of their life and that after all this time if they still have feelings for Julian and Ivy perhaps they are worth exploring.

Meanwhile, Julian and Ivy begin drinking wine and reliving their marriage. The good times, how much they hated each other, but still had a fondness as well. Their children. How things aren’t working so well with Sam and Eve.

One thing leads to another and they end up in bed, salving their loneliness. It is just about this time that Sam and Eve show up. Because the Crane Mansion doesn’t employ a maid? People just walk right in and go up to your bedroom? Please.

Sam and Eve are disgusted. Disgusted. They can’t believe that they would do this! It’s over. For good. No more second chances.

Ivy and Julian are crushed. They didn’t think they had a second chance and now it’s gone. It was an accident!

At the Casey house, Ethan barges in, (It seems to be a theme this episode) to stop Jared and Theresa from making love. He demands to speak to Theresa telling her it’s about the appeal.

Theresa tells him no and wants to stay with Jared. Pilar’s interest is peaked however and she will go with Ethan. Pilar goes with Ethan and is shocked to learn that Theresa and Jared are to have a baby as a condition of the Peeper. But she warns Ethan away telling him that the lives of her sons are more important, even though she will have to live with the fact that Theresa will sacrifice her happiness for their freedom.

Back at the Harmony Pen, Sheridan is still begging Luis to make love to her. She has been so lonely for him, the only man who ever loved her. Luis says that he won’t betray Fancy, that he loves Fancy.

Sheridan capitulates and starts to agree with Luis. That she knows he loves Fancy, but asks one favor; that he give her one last kiss.

Meanwhile, Fancy is trying to get information about Luis in a none too subtle way. The guards wonder why she is so interested, thinking maybe she has some sort of crush on him.

Fancy denies this and instead says that she thinks death is too good for a rapist. That every day he should be tormented as he tormented his victim. And she is just the one to make this happen. The guards seem to buy this and assign her to his cellblock.

Fancy catches her fist glimpse of Luis and he is making out with Sheridan. Of course Fancy doesn’t know this and thinks that he is making out with a man.

Simone has enlisted the help of Simone in the Save Jessica and the Baby movement. They are telling her how good this is going to be and how excited they are. Jessica gets swept up in the moment, but then Spike finds her.

He threatens Jessica and her friends, reminding Jessica how he covered for her when she killed those John’s and that she will end up in Prison if he ever lets the word out. Besides, as his wife, she belongs to him.

Honestly, the whole Jessica/Spike relationship baffles me. I keep waiting to see why she would marry, date, talk to this guy. I must have missed the build up to this story arc.

Today also happens to be Endora’s first day of Preschool and Julian has shown up to take his little daughter to class.

Tabitha has a jealousy issue about Julian and tells him that Endora is her daughter. Endora is very excited that Julian is there. He tells a touching story about how he missed this with his other children and is determined not to miss it with Endora.

Tabitha tells him that it isn’t her responsibility to assuage his guilt. They eventually reach a compromise and take her together.

After leaving her at the school, Endora turns her classmate Tina into a cat. The children were going to put on a play and were assigned different animals. Tina had been assigned a frog and whined that she wanted to be a cat. So little Endora wiggled her nose and Tina’s now an orange kitty.

Meanwhile, in prison, Sheridan dreams that Luis tells her that he has always loved her and they make love long into the night. In a cell. On a cot. With the bars open for all the world to see. How this is romantic or something one would seek out, I do not know.

Luis tells Sheridan that she has to leave; she can’t stay in prison with him. Sheridan gives him a hug and Miguel from his cell across the way sees and can’t believe that Luis has turned gay so quickly.

Sheridan reveals herself to Miguel. The brother’s Fitzgerald-Lopez begin to plot a way to smuggle Sheridan out. It is then the guard shows up and announces shower time! He doesn’t mean with a fire hose.

Simone and Paloma frantically look for Jessica, fearing that Spike has taken her back to the motel. They don’t want to check there, but when they have exhausted their options, they realize they have to.

Jessica is indeed at the hotel. Spike is drugging her and giving her liquor without her knowing. Ok, if he wants to sell this baby, this is probably a bad idea. Spike plans to make her turn tricks again. Jessica protests, but the drugs make her woozy. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. The next thing she knows, she awakens disoriented with a dead john at her feet.

Kay goes to visit Tabitha to hopefully get some advice on her Miguel/Fox situation. Tabitha is a bit distracted by how Endora is doing her first day of preschool. She’s worried that Endora may have used magic. She tells Kay to make her story quick.

Kay details her quandary and Tabitha recommends that Kay stay true to Miguel. It is where her heart truly lies. It is where her heart has been since the very first episode actually. Yay consistency! But Miguel, he has sucked. Kay should have moved on long ago.

At the preschool, the teacher demands to know how a cat got into the room. She throws it out not realizing the cat is actually Tina. Kitty Tina is picked up by animal control and taken to the Harmony Animal shelter.

At the prison, shower time nears. Sheridan panics, wondering what she’s going to do. If she has to shower, everyone will know that she’s a woman!

Luis kind of glares and says that is why she should have left last night. Luis and Miguel decide that they will have to shield her from the prisoners and guards. They are huddled together in a corner of the shower when one of the guards tells them they can’t pull a fast one on him.

Meanwhile, at the hospital, Jared is given a clean bill of health, even though Eve sent him home earlier. I don’t know this is silly. In his excitement, Jared asks if it is okay for the making of love. Eve assures him that he can get back to all of his normal activities.

Jared lets her know that he and Theresa are planning to start a family.

Will the prison guards discover that Sheridan is not a man? Will Theresa and Jared start their family? Will Eve and Julian reconcile?

Passions April 23-27

Passions begins with the ongoing saga of Valerie, Chad and Vincent. Valerie has phoned Chad again fearing that Vincent is outside and will kill her. Having just gotten back from his last visit with Valerie, Chad isn’t too keen on the idea of going back over there so soon. Whitney is suspicious of Chad being on the phone again and asks him who is calling.

Frustrated, Chad tells her that it’s work and wonders why they can’t handle simple problems without calling him. He says he has to go back to the office and take care of it. Whitney says that if he’s going to the office, she’s going to Theresa’s to comfort her after the verdict.
Chad forbids that idea. Apparently Whitney was asking his permission. With his edict in place, Chad leaves to check up on Valerie again. Not long after the door closes, Whitney calls a cab to take her to the Theresa’s.
Outside of Valerie’s house, Vincent confronts Chad. Chad says he can’t believe that Vincent would ever hit a woman and how could he beat up on Valerie.

Vincent defends himself by saying that he didn’t like what Valerie was saying. Chad is horrified that he has been with someone who would be violent with women.

Tauntingly, Vincent tells Chad how much he liked it when they were physical and that he’s the only one who knows what Chad likes. He leans into kiss him, and Chad recoils. Disappointed, Vincent says that Chad should not try and deny their love and maybe they should discuss it at the hotel.

Chad says he wouldn’t be caught dead with a lowlife such as Vincent. Vincent tells him he should rethink this or their love will be exposed to the world. Now that Valerie knows, Vincent doesn’t have anyone to keep it secret from now. He, unlike Chad, is not afraid of the homosexuality of their relationship.
Vincent leaves and Chad goes inside to check on Valerie. She tells Chad she thought she heard Vincent outside and wants to call the police. Chad talks her out of it against some more and heads for home, mulling over Vincent’s latest threat. Chad is now being blackmailed into continuing his relationship with Vincent.

In the meantime, Whitney has made it to Theresa’s where Theresa and Ethan are engaged in a compromising position making her uncomfortable. Theresa assures her that everything is OK and Whitney says she must be getting back home. She leaves Theresa and Ethan alone together and returns home.
At the hospital, Kay and Julian are keeping Fox company as he prepares to receive treatment for his “illness”. Fox is feigning sickness to make Kay feel sorry for him and not leave him for Miguel. He’s getting treated with some kind of placebo.

This show really likes the whole “sickness to prevent people from leaving you” storyline. Previously, Sheridan was married to Luis’s brother and couldn’t leave him because he had some brain ailment that would kill him if he were stressed. So she stayed married to Antonio and slept with Luis just so he wouldn’t become comatose from the stress of her leaving. It was dumb. He died. Moving on.
But Kay has decided that it isn’t fair to her or Fox that she stay married to him just because he’s ill. She had a conversation with Theresa’s husband Jared in the hallway about this and it reinforced her belief that she should break it off with Fox. Her heart lies with Miguel.

Girding her loins, she enters his hospital room, his back is too and taking a deep breath, Kay tells Fox of her decisions. It is only when she awaits his response that she realizes he’s been “asleep” the whole time.
Frustrated, Kay begins shaking his shoulders in an attempt to wake him. Fox thinks to himself that he can’t let Kay tell him it’s over and to pretend he didn’t hear. He wakes up and smiles at her, glad to see his beautiful wife with him.

Kay says she has something important to tell him. Just as she is about to tell him again, the nurse comes in and tells Kay she has to leave because the treatments are about to begin. Julian sent the nurse in, fearing that Kay was going to tell Fox it was over. Kay is hustled from the room.

At the Crane Mansion, Theresa and Ethan are seeking comfort in the arms of each other despite the warnings of the Peeper and the fact that Luis and Miguel are in prison because of the Peeper and Theresa’s married state. They make love. The Peeper watches them through the walls, seething with rage.
During the love making, Ethan catches a glimpse of eyeballs through the wall. He tells Theresa he knows how the Peeper is tracking their every move. He gets out of bed and leaves the room.

He returns with an axe the maid must keep in the kitchen or something because he wasn’t gone long enough to go to a shed, and unceremoniously begins to hack into the walls. He makes it through the wall and grabs the Peeper by the neck and demands to know whom they are.

Ok, the Peeper is pinned, helpless, against the wall. Ethan is talking to them. He has a free hand. WHY DOESN’T HE JUST PULL THE MASK OFF? Seriously.

Instead of this happening, the Peeper begins to tell Ethan how hot it’s making them to be held by Ethan and his strong, sexy arms. Then the Peeper reaches up and pulls a rope dangling from the ceiling and dirt falls on Ethan causing him to loose his grip and facilitating the escape of the Peeper. Yes, the space behind the walls of the Crane mansion is large enough to rig booby traps.

Theresa, meanwhile, has made it through the whole in the all and has joined Ethan. Together they take off in pursuit of the Peeper through the labyrinthine corridors inside the Crane walls. They become separated. It is Theresa who finds the Peeper first. She confronts them about why they are doing this. The Peeper suddenly transforms from something dressed all in black, to a hermaphrodite version of V.

Now that the Peeper has Theresa, they take her to their secret lair inside the walls of the Crane Mansion. They are like the Phantom of the Opera the Peeper; they are the Phantom of the Mansion. Anyway, inside this room, there is a TV screen. On it, the Phantom and Theresa watch Ethan wander into yet another secret room.

The Peeper tells Theresa that all she loves will find death. As she looks on, the walls of the room Ethan’s in begin to close in on him. Theresa screams and begins to beg for his life.
Ethan momentarily stops the walls from closing in on him by propping them apart with boards. But they break and he is once again in danger of being squished.

The Peeper promises to spare Ethan but only if Theresa will stay married to Jared and have his baby. Theresa agrees.

Luis and Miguel meanwhile, begin their prison terms. They are conveniently in cells across from each other. Death row is full so Luis has to stay here for now.

Not long after the iron bars of the cell clink shut, Luis has visitors. He is SHOCKED when his visitor is none other than Sheridan. She tells him how Chris and James have left her and how Marty had died and she is alone and can’t loose Luis as well. Luis reminds her that she left him when she married Jared.
But Sheridan will hear none of that. Remember the Bermuda Triangle Luis? Remember how Sheridan married your brother? She tries to convince him that Fancy is the reason he’s in jail and that he can’t love her.

Fancy arrives at the jail and Sheridan’s visit is cut short. Sheridan confronts Fancy in the visitor’s room reminding her about Pretty and how she destroyed her. Fancy says she still loves Pretty and never meant to hurt her.

May I just say that I think Ivy and Julian were smoking the crack when they named their children? Pretty? Fancy? There’s a third sister, but I don’t know what her name is. They used to give their old clothes to Theresa back in the beginning when Pilar was the housekeeper.

Fancy gets her time with Luis and they spend all of it proclaiming their love to each other. Then Luis tells Fancy never to come back. That he is going to die and she shouldn’t spend her time pining away for him or loving a man who is dead.

Fancy says she will always love him. Luis says he will always love her. Just then, Sheridan barges in and demands that Luis proclaim his undying love for her.

Through the glass, Luis looks at Sheridan and says, “I don’t love you.” It was awesome! Sheridan has become somewhat sniveling and Luis and Fancy have much better chemistry. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it.
This declaration pisses Sheridan off to no end and she vows she will have Luis.
After the two women leave, Luis removes their names from the visitors list.

Back in the cellblock. Miguel is introduced to his cellmate, Steve, who tells him how he knows Miguel and Luis were railroaded, that it was a set up. The prisoners must have access to CourtTV.
Steve sees Miguel looking a picture of Maria and Kay. Kay and Maria had come to visit him earlier and were smuggled into a private room by a sympathetic guard to hug. Steve tells Miguel that he should forget about them, that they would be too far away and he wouldn't want them to suffer in his abscence.
Steve gives Miguel a longing look, and touching his shoulder says, "You should look for companionship with someone on the inside. Someone like your cellmate."
Seriously. This show is full of the homosexuality at the moment. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it's a bit much.

After visitation, Luis is taken back to his cell where the guards have given him a large and violent cellmate. The cellmate begins to beat on Luis, tossing him around while the guard just watches. Sam Bennet is visiting the jail and hearing the commotion runs down the hall to save Luis.

On the outside, Ivy confronts Sheridan about attacking Fancy, telling her she’s just as bas as Alistair and that she should move on with her life. Sheridan says she can understand her father because he lost the woman he loved. (Yes, for a while there, he was trying to make Sheridan think it was her fault; that she had killed her mother. But you did, you did.)

Meanwhile, Fancy and her friend/roommate Esme talk about her love for Luis. Esme suggests Fancy get a job as a guard at the prison.

Next week on Passions: Will Sheridan win Luis back? Will Fancy get hired by the prison? Will Theresa have Chris’s baby?

Passions on DirectTV

As you may or may not know, Passions has been canceled from NBC. The final episode will air on September 7. This means that they will have time to do another crazy themed storyline as they are wont to do in the summer. But it also means the show will be ending.

Or at least it was supposed to. Passions is moving to DirectTV channel 101 beginning on September 17. For more information, go here.

HOORAY! As much as I think this show is stupid, and lets face it a lot of it is, it's also awesome at the same time. And it makes me think of the summer I moved into my first apartment because Passions started the year I turned 20 and lived with my best friend Snookie on Garrison Ave.

That was a great summer. We would watch Passions and eat Ben and Jerry's from the Dairy Mart. It was the stupidest show imaginable; Sheridan was friends with the late Princess Di (yes, that one), Theresa was trying to seduce Ethan (that is STILL going on), Whitney was playing tennis and attracted to Chad, Chad was suspected to be the son of Eve and Julian (that plotline finally resolved itself last summer), Jessica, Kay, Simone and Miguel were innocent teenagers hanging out in the book cafe with this wonderfully dorky boy named Reese and their weirdo cousin Charity, and Tabitha and Timmy spent countless hours trying to do Charity in. And we watched it anyway. And we would fill out the survey online about what we thought of the show.

Passions has grown up as I have and even though there are things about it that bug me, I'll always love it. I would have been sad if it had gone off the air, fading slowly into the sunset like Port Charles or that one with Tori Spelling's brother.

Passions April 16-20

Passions April 16-20

This week, Passions begins in the courtroom where Luis and Miguel have been found guilty. Fancy begins crying and Sheridan, who used to be a sympathetic character, has turned into a harpy, blames Fancy for not testifying well in Luis’s favor. Fox Crane celebrates the conviction, happy that Miguel is being sent away and Kay will be all his again.

Julian Crane stands in a corner and menacingly says, “St. Pilar. I wonder what the Pope will make her saint of? Housekeeping or bad mother’s.”

Speaking of Pilar, she has a little break down and is comforted by Theresa and Ethan. Theresa vows that the verdict will be over turned and Ethan vows to do everything in his power to see that Luis and Miguel are set free and all charges dropped. But this will be harder than the think.

In the judge’s chamber, he laments his weakness, wishing he were strong enough to stand up to the Peeper. But the Peeper is always watching. The Peeper is currently dancing a little cha cha on the judge’s computer screen. The word Marrakech appears and the judge seems to be uncomfortable. The Peeper has thwarted his plans at reducing the sentencing.

They leave the courthouse to take Pilar home; the stress of the day has been too much for her.
Meanwhile, Paloma is at the Crane Estate awaiting a shipment of wine from the Blue Note. Why she is doing this, I have no idea. There is a crazed blackmailer on the loose and she’s at her sister’s house waiting on wine. She’s a police officer too by the way. Her salary paid by the good citizens of Harmony.

The wine arrives, delivered by none other than her boyfriend Noah. He sees this as an opportunity to try and seduce Paloma into making love in the Crane mansion, but Paloma is having none of it, protesting that she is on duty and has a job to do and it’s very important.

Noah relents, momentarily. They deposit the wine in the cellar and Noah leaves. Paloma talks to herself for a bit, and then hears something outside. She steps onto the porch to check it out. She is squinting into the darkness when footsteps approach her from behind.

Without thinking, Paloma grabs her would be attacker and throws them to the ground. It’s Noah. Apparently, his car wouldn’t start and he came back to see if he could use the phone to call AAA.
But since Paloma is conveniently straddling him, he tries again to seduce her. It begins to rain and they get soaked and start to make out. You can see where this is going right? Because when it rains, they always get wet and everyone knows the best way to get warm when you’re making out in the rain is to remove all your cloths, snuggle by a roaring fire and make love.

True to form, this is exactly what happens.

Meanwhile, back at the courthouse, Sheridan is still harping on Fancy and begs Luis to tell her that he loves her and not Fancy. But alas, Luis cannot do this because he no longer loves Sheridan, thank God, he loves Fancy. (They have much better chemistry in my opinion. Even though she has a stupid name, Fancy is cute.)

Sheridan is crushed. Her world has fallen apart like a shattered Christmas ornament. Not knowing what else to do, she goes home where she discovers that Chris and their son are packing to leave.
She tries to talk him out of it. She loves Chris she really does, but she will always love Luis. Chris should know this.

Chris, however, doesn’t want to compete with the affections of another man. Especially when Sheridan is his wife and should love him like that. After much tearful discussion, Chris and his son leave Sheridan.
She sinks the couch and ponders her fate. She can’t let Luis go to prison. With her husband leaving with their son, she will have no one to obsess over. *Sniffle*

In the continuing saga of Chad and Whitney, Whitney has revealed to Valerie that Vincent is cheating. Valerie has gone home to confront Vincent about his infidelity.

Chad, fearing that Vincent may do something stupid, follows Valerie and upon arriving at her house, hears sounds of fighting coming from inside.

He enters the house and expects to find Vincent in the bathroom. Because that is where Vincent is often hiding. The bathroom. No closet for these men, they like the comfort of a shower nearby.
Vincent, however, has escaped through the bathroom window leaving a shaken and mildly injured Valerie in the house.

She wants to call the police and have something done, but Chad tries to talk her out of it. He is afraid that Vincent will reveal that he is the one having an affair with him, not another woman. And that is pretty much all they do for the rest of the week. For five days, Chad and Valerie discuss whether or not she should call the cops. Most of it taking place in Chad’s head.

Endora wants to go to Preschool and Tabitha, loving her daughter and wanting what’s best for her, has decided to undo what she had done before. So she conjures a skeletal smoke hand to bring the representatives of Paul Revere Preschool back.

She sends the smoke hand on its way and it returns shortly with the women in its clutches. Tabitha brings them inside and after plying them with Maritimes, convinces them that Endora should go to their school.

This week of Passions leaves us with the following questions: Will Chad’s secret affair/homosexuality be revealed? Will Valerie call the police? Will Luis and Miguel be saved before they are shipped off to jail? Will Theresa break down and make love to Ethan even though she’s married and after roughly 9 years I’m so sick of this story line it makes me ill?

Passions April 9-13

This week began with Jessica discovering that she was pregnant. She went into the bathroom with a pregnancy test she purchased after becoming nauseated when she and her father were burning her clothes. (Why feeling sick during this was suspicious to her, I have no idea, as I’m sure inhaling the fumes from nylon and Lycra would make anyone ill.)

Jessica had returned home after having run away with her pimp/husband Spike and Sam's condition on letting her back into the house were that she had to burn the clothes Spike made her wear. They were very trampy. Sam had kept all of the clothes that he had purchased for her when she lived at home, so it would be fine.

But I digress, upon learning of her pregnancy, Jessica is elated, again an odd emotion as Spike was not only her husband but her pimp, and I would think having a baby with him would be the last thing she would want. Especially considering a) that he pimped her out and really it could be anyone’s and b) she is trying to escape his evil clutches. But Jessica is thrilled nonetheless and can’t wait to tell her father.

Sam is sitting in the living room getting all misty eyed over a box of baby clothes that happened to belong to Jessica. Apparently his late wife Grace (she was blown up in a bus accident) packed them away in a shed before their house was sucked into hell and the contents lost to Satan several years earlier.

Taking a deep breath, Jessica prepares to tell Sam about the bun in the oven, when he begins to tell her how glad she is that she has returned home and didn’t do anything stupid, like get pregnant by Spike. Apparently marrying your abusive pimp and believing that you are a serial killer are not stupid, but getting pregnant by said pimp who’s making you think you’re a serial killer, well that’s a whole different story.
Sam gets called away to the courthouse where the Lopez-Fitzgerald trial is about to begin. Jessica sits down and begins staring at a pink and white baby dress and starts speaking aloud about how Spike must never know about the baby.

Cue Spike walking through the door overhearing Jessica’s conversation with herself. The characters on this show spend way too much time talking to themselves and you’re never quite sure if other people can hear them or not. Spike decides that this baby is his ticket to financial freedom and wants to sell it.
Horrified at the thought, Jessica runs from the house followed closely by Spike and his unattractively poofy hair. It’s like a tumbleweed attacked him.

Whitney has discovered that Vincent is cheating on her friend Valerie and feels that she is duty to tell her. Whitney and Chad are having lunch, probably at the Lobster Shack as it is the only restaurant in Harmony, and she is completely ignoring him while she texts Valerie about the infidelity.
Chad’s cell phone rings. It’s Vincent. He has intercepted the text message to Valerie and threatens Whitney’s life if she continues with her plan to tell Valerie of his infidelity and reminds Chad what’s at stake for both of them. Because Vincent is not having an affair with a woman as Whitney believes. No, his clandestine lover is really Chad!

Panicked at the thought of loosing Whitney, Chad ends his phone call and sets about trying to convince her that she really doesn’t want to tell Valerie, that it is something to be dealt with between Vincent and Valerie.
He then launches into an explanation of how sex for a man is different than sex for a woman. That sometimes, men just need the release and it doesn’t matter. This does not convince Whitney, it in fact causes her to question Chad. He would never do that would he? He doesn’t feel that way about love making, does he?

Of course not, for him, it is different! Whitney receives a phone call from Teresa asking her to meet her at the courthouse, the trial of her brother’s is about to begin and she could really use the moral support. Teresa is, of course, crying. She’s very moist, Teresa.

Whitney leaves Chad for the courthouse, but Chad suspects that Vincent may follow through on his threat to do her in and follows. He arrives just in time to save Whitney from a falling block of marble that Vincent pushed from a scaffold.

How did Vincent know she was going to the courthouse? Is he a psychic? Because I don’t remember anyone telling him where Whitney would be. Chad sees Vincent fleeing the scene. I wonder if this will put a damper on their relationship or if they’ll still be having surreptitious meetings at the hotel.

Luis and Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald are on trial in what has to be one of the most badly executed plot lines on the show, and this is a show where houses are sucked into hell, girls are turned into Zombies and the Bermuda Triangle transports people to an island known as St. Lisa’s. It is also one of the more quickly moving stories on a show where things creep along at roughly the speed of a tranquilized glacier. The entire trial happened in the span of one week. It was great.

Luis is on trial for attacking Fancy Crane and Miguel is on trial for attempting to run Fox Crane over with the car. They are both found guilty even though they really aren’t.

It turns out that not only is the judge being blackmailed by the Passions Peeper (He’s a silhouette in a trench coat and hat who pops up on cell phones, computers and hides in walls who looks remarkably like those dancing cowboys in the banner ads for a mortgage.) but the Peeper has set up Miguel and Luis for some reason. Probably because the Peeper is really Alistair Crane and has an inexplicable vendetta against the Lopez-Fitzgerald’s and their Latin-Irish charm. I’m not sure the Peeper is Alistair or not, but the odds are in my favor. It’s always Alistair.

Evil monk tricking Whitney into stealing the Pope’s chalice? Alistair. One of the clowns who kidnapped Sheridan and kept her in a pit in Beth’s basement for what seemed like seven years? Alistair. The disembodied hand that for several seasons tried to have Sheridan killed and then convinced her that she killed her mother? Alistair.
All will be revealed sooner or later, but I’m pretty confident that I’m right.

Tabitha has decided to home school Endora because she thinks that Hogwarts would be too constricting. (Tabitha is a witch who escaped the Salem Witch Trials and Endora is her baby daughter with Julian Crane.) The evil of the Peeper interferes with her blackboard and she can see what’s happening in the courtroom at the Lopez-Fitzgerald trial.

She has just erased the “window” to the courtroom from her blackboard when two women from a prestigious pre-school knock at the door. Julian has sent them to evaluate Endora for acceptance into their program. Tabitha will have none of this and goes about bewitching them. They are sitting on her sofa having water poured on them from floating pitchers when Jessica bursts through the front door followed by Spike.

Spike begins shouting that Tabitha’s a witch and should be burned at the stake. The preschool ladies seize the opportunity of the interruption and flee.

Amused by Spike’s ranting, Tabitha enchants a bowl of strawberries and send them to attack him. They circle around him and upon close up appear to be little men dressed as strawberries with fangs. They bite Spike and chase him from the house.

Will Spike force Jessica to sell her baby? Will Jessica tell Sam about the baby? Will Luis and Miguel escape the death penalty and be with the women they love? Will Whitney discover Chad’s infidelity and escape the wrath of Vincent? Will the identity of the Peeper be revealed? These questions may be answered next week on Passions.